Years ago, when I was much younger, I would “talk to the dark”. I may have been praying, I may have been voicing concerns which I had no idea how to handle at the time, mostly I did it because I didn’t have anyone else that I could talk to about everything or even nothing in particular. I grew up as an “only child”, that condition which psychiatrists say breeds monsters like pedophiles and axe murderers. Thankfully, I didn’t fall into those categories later on.
I would lie in my bed, talking, not really to myself but to someone or maybe it was Someone. It could’ve been the wrong “someone”, like Satan, but at the time I don’t remember feeling a terror about it…I wasn’t afraid of talking to them or Him. Of course, I didn’t tell anyone this because I didn’t want to be labeled as crazy or weird, that label came too easily anyway.
My parents had divorced when I was young, like five years old, so I didn’t know what a “normal” family life was like. By the time I could remember anything about my Mom and Dad, they weren’t together anymore. This condition seems to be the norm today, but at the time that it happened fifty years ago it wasn’t the norm at all. Growing up, I felt like an outsider, someone who didn’t belong anywhere and wasn’t accepted by anyone. That feeling of being outside never really went away, it just faded because I didn’t pay much attention to it as I got older.
Why am I writing this? I don’t know really. Maybe it is because I need to get it out of my head or maybe just writing it will somehow help me to feel like I am not “outside” anymore. I have tried to fit in, but that doesn’t seem to work very well. I even felt called to preach at a local church and I have been for over five years, but it seems that there are fewer people willing to hear or listen anymore. I feel more like the prophet Jeremiah who preached and told his people about the coming judgement on Israel for many years but they didn’t want to hear it.
I pray that someone may read this and look into God’s Word for their answers, like I should’ve done so many years ago. It has only been in the last twenty years or so that I have begun to learn from God’s Word about Him and who I am because of Him and His sacrifice. Thanks for reading and I hope that maybe this may help someone.