I have good days and bad days just like everyone else, but today is…well, different. It feels different. It is also hard to explain. I am hopeful at times and then I feel like I want to kill myself. Switching back and forth between hope and hopeless.
It actually doesn’t suit me much because I don’t like the idea of suicide or the results of it either. Nothing good comes from killing yourself. Grief, pain, heartache, anger from family members directed at a dead person who can’t change anything. Then, the spiritual aspect of it comes to mind. Standing in front of God knowing that you had a hand in killing yourself. You have committed murder because you had to think this through and it was pre-meditated and intentional.
I pray that I don’t have many days like this because I don’t like them. But, writing here is like talking to a hotline or at the least a cheap ‘shrink. Maybe someone will get something out of this and turn to God before making this decision permanent. I don’t want to imagine my family going through this because financially it would be devastating. Physically and emotionally it would cause too much pain, even though I wouldn’t feel it…they would.
I pray that God will see me through this and I hope that if you, who are reading this, will decide to turn your life around and give your heart to Jesus then He will see you through it too. Today there are too many easy ways to kill yourself and many of them are available on the Internet but God loves you and you deserve so much more than an end to life. He can give you that! A purpose and a reason for living, here and now because life is a gift from God to you every day that you wake up. Treat today as if it is the most precious gift that you have ever received and ask God to help you get through the next hour, then the next hour and the next.
Pretty soon you will have made it through today and you will wake with the morning tomorrow, and God will help you through that day too.