Many times in the past few months, I have thought of suicide. Just thought, mind you, I don’t think I have been low enough to go quite that far. I have felt that bad on some days, but when I see my son or my wife then I realize that life is not so bad. Besides, I love Jesus and He loves me too, so why would I want to do that?
Then, a dark day comes at me again. I try not to pay attention to it, I try to pray it away as best as I know how, I even read the Bible in Psalms and pray that the darkness will go away. But, sometimes…some days it just won’t go away. I home school my son, and I try to hide my depression from him but he has come to know my moody days well enough to be able to pick out when dad is “faking it”.
I am supposed to be better than this because I am the pastor of a church! But, you know, it doesn’t matter what your position in life is, depression can make you feel like…shit. Yep, I said it but the point is that when you are depressed that is the best way to describe it, whether you call it that or just crap, it still means the same thing! The mentality of people in my profession is that we are above those things, those lapses in judgement and that is not true!
Acting that way, having that sort of attitude toward life and things which happen in everyday life is wrong! We are not better than the people anywhere else, or the ones that come to church on Sunday that we bring God’s message to. We are the same with all of the warts and faults and sins that everyone else has! There is nothing different about me or you if you are a Christian except that we have been forgiven and sanctified by the sacrifice of Jesus. That is it!
That is the only difference in my way of life and living everyday. Jesus and His life, allows me to come to God and ask for His grace everyday of my life because I am under the blood of Jesus and His sacrifice for me. Repenting of my sins is a good start, but following Jesus every day is the journey that I am on and the one that you need to be on with me. Living your life to the fullest that you can and be happy doing it is the best revenge on those that bullied you in school or ignored you while you were there.